Toke Jopic!

[Pegasus]

Welcome to the Toke Jopic! Got a funny toke to jell? Share it here! Let's all have some lood ol gaughs! ;D

This is something a substitute teacher told my Speech class a few years ago. It's a bit long, but it's fairly humorous.

There are 3 guys who just died and are waiting to get into heaven. The first guy goes up to the gates to see God. God asks the guy "how many times have you cheated on your wife?" The guy replies "well, I cheated on her a few times." God says "well, cheating on your wife is bad, however you told the truth. I'm going to let you in and give you a new car.
God then spawns a Ford Focus. The guy gets in and drives off.
The second guy goes up to God and God asks "how many times have you cheated on your wife?" The guy says "I did once, but only once." God says "you only did once, but you didn't try to hide it and you told the truth. I'm going to let you in and give you a new car."
God then spawns a BMW M5. The guy gets in and drives off.
The third guy approaches and God asks "how many times have you cheated on your wife? The guy confidently says "I never cheated on my wife. Not once." God says "very good! You were faithful and trustworthy. That deserves something fancy."
God then spawns a big shiny new Rolls-Royce limousine complete with a mini-bar, swimming pool and a satellite dish. The guy gets in and drives off.
A few minutes later, God hears someone crying. He investigates and sees the last guy he saw crying and crying and crying while pounding on the hood of his Rolls-Royce. God asks "what's the matter? You gained entrance to heaven, got an expensive luxurious car. What's wrong?" The guy looks at God and says "oh God, it's terrible! I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"

[½ A Gram]

a cat falls in a pool, a rooster laughs.

what have we learned?

Wet p***y makes cock happy.
-------

Cinderella was recently fired from Disneyland. Apparently, she was found bouncing up and down naked on Pinocchio's face, yelling: 'LIE mother****er LIE!"

[IGNIGNOC]

HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT IN SUSPENSE:

Instructions on Reverse Side --->

HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT IN SUSPENSE:

Instructions on Reverse Side --->

^Print that on a business card. Hilarity will ensue.

[nightmare75]

What happens when you put 5 emo kids in a square room?

One kills himself because he doesn't have a corner to cry in.

*warning--offensive to women*

Why don't women need umbrellas?

Because it doesn't rain between the kitchen and the laundry room

Why are wedding dresses white?

So the dishwasher will match the fridge and stove

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing; she already been told twice

And finally, want to hear a good joke?

Women's rights.

[Nemesis]

How to be a bastard:


-Pick a person, put it in a circular shaped room, and tell that person to piss on a corner;

-Give a bald man a comb for his birthday;

-Go to an antiquary and ask if there's something new;

-Death itself knocks on your door, but you ain't home;

[ciscokid]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=58VeXrcZliA

[cleopatra]

Your right Nightmare they are highly offensive and the fact that you think they are funny is very sad. I am very sure you would never thank it funny if someone hit your mother or sisters.

My JOKE: This guy was walking down the beach and found a GENIE bottle the GENIE told him that he was a 1 wish GENIE so make it good. The man thought for a while and decided that he wanted a Highway from his hometown to HAWAII. The GENIE said Man forget it pick something eles. So the man thought a little while longer and came up with another wish he said "I WISH TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN" the GENIE replied "WOULD YOU LIKE THAT TO BE A 4 LANE or a 6 LANE HIGHWAY?" LOL.

3 blondes walk down a beach and find a GENIE bottle. The GENIE pops out and says I am a 3wish GENIE so each of you get 1 wish. THe 1st blonde says "I like totally hate being a dumb blonde so I wish to be 100% Smarter and she turned into a beautiful brunette. The 2nd Blonde said " I like hate being dumb blonde but I like kinda like like it so make me 50% smarter and she turned into a Red-head. The 3rd blonde said "I like totally like totally like love being a dumb blonde like so like make me 100% stupider, she turned into a man.

[½ A Gram]

errr.....irony much?

[DeltaMustang65]

Yeah, you can't get mad at Nightmare for posting jokes that are "offensive" towards women if you're gonna post some that are "offensive" towards men.

Lucky for you, I'm not easily offended, so I upshifted you to 70. Now you, too, are 69 with a finger up your ass. LAWL!

[IGNIGNOC]

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

[cleopatra]

Why do Elephants wear red tennis shoes???

To hide in Cherry tree's, have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

See, IT WORKS!!!

[IGNIGNOC]

Four out of five doctors leaves one.

[Pegasus]

How to be an asshole (and have a few laughs too!):

-Turn the hot water all the way up, then turn it off. Then wait for someone to wash their hands...

-Go to the fuse box and switch the master circuit off then on real quick just before your friend finishes a 24 hour endurance race. Then run like a bat out of hell.

-Clog the toilet with toilet paper when someone in your house has diharrea. While your at it, lock the door too.

-Put a tack or super glue on someone's chair. Classic!

[½ A Gram]

24hr enduro is just plain wrong....haha

[vitg]

Why did the emo Chicken cross the road ?










What do you care ?
And besides no one can possibly understand what its life is truly like.